We work hard at times in our marriage, and other times it all just feels easy. And that is normal! My husband, Robin, and I are 11 years married today (and nearly 18 years together), and as I am reflecting on our marriage (and on our bond as parents, as lovers, and darlings of each other’s hearts), I want to share some learnings, some reflections and some practical tips with you.
Firstly, I don’t have all the answers on the ‘how’s’ to maintaining a strong and healthy marriage. What works for one marriage may not work for another, and I truly believe there is no one-size-fits-all answer for this topic. Yet there are certain key elements that help set a solid foundation to all relationships. Like being attentive and genuinely caring towards your partner. Seeing your partner as your friend, laughing together and not taking one another too serious. Making decisions together, and striving towards one another (not away from one another) in trying times. Sometimes these are easier said than done though, right!? When you are drowning in the parenthood juggle, dealing with financial pressures, struggling with exhaustion or mis-alignment of expectations. So, I get it! This topic is relevant for many of us, whether we want to admit it or not. We all go through seasons in our marriage, ups and downs, and it is normal to feel lost and fragile at times.
Secondly, it is normal that your relationship changes after becoming parents. It changed a lot for us and it has not always been easy either. But accepting that you will both continue to grow, and your relationship/marriage will be different after having children, will help you surrender to something which can promise to be even better.
My husband and I met in Australia when I was 19, and he was 26. We fell so deeply in love very quickly and lived a phenomenal love story. At least that is what it felt like for us. We travelled the World together, did incredible things…then I would move somewhere for him, and then he would move somewhere for me. Our love story has taken us from Australia, to South America & Europe, to South Africa, to Belgium, back to South Africa, to San Diego, to Berlin, back to South Africa and now to Switzerland. We shared goals and dreams, built a strong foundation for a joint future, and were both so ready for parenthood, six years into our relationship. Yet we have felt fragile at times since becoming parents 10 years ago. I certainly have. But we have worked hard in those times we needed to pour more into our marriage, to get it back to where we wanted it to be. And both realised what is the absolute most important for us in OUR marriage, which is Communication, Affection and Appreciation. Communicating and staying connected, showing affection towards each other always, and appreciating one another - in our roles, in our opinions and in our ways of parenting.
Within these key buckets, I am sharing a few tips that are working for us and making us stronger…
- Communication:
§ Communicate. Have conversations about what you need (and stay atune to what your partner needs). Remember that your partner cannot read your mind. Communication is absolute KEY to a healthy marriage. Communicate your expectations, communicate your needs, communicate your desires.
§ And speaking of Expectations… Sit down together and set clear expectations for what you each need from one another to lighten the load that comes with parenting. Take time to ask how you can support each other through this season—because, after all, you’re in this together.
§ Weekly or biweekly date nights/date mornings. The point is to make TIME for just the two of you, allowing you to check in on one another, on each other’s hearts. Allow yourself to dive into some deep conversations from time to time, or just chat about this, that and everything.
§ Agree on designated no screen time. Constantly being on your phone when in the presence of your partner cuts off communications, and creates a barrier between you both.
- Affection:
§ Be intimate. Kiss good morning, and kiss good night. Kiss each other hello and goodbye too. Hold hands at times, or put your arm around your spouse. Pinch his bum, cuddle on the couch. This everyday intimacy plays a key role in sexual intimacy – without one it is harder to have the other. And yes, intimacy in the bedroom is key and should be a priority in the long run. We all go through phases where this area is lacking (pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding…) but these phases are temporary. Work on reviving and making it a priority again. Also remember that showing public display of affection visibly in front of your children is very important too. Notice your children’s eyes light up when you kiss and cuddle your partner in front of them.
§ Know his/her love language. Do you know your partner’s love language? If not, make it a priority to find out (both of you).
- Appreciation:
§ Appreciate. Make it a habit to show your appreciation with words and actions. Speak your appreciation out loud, even for the smallest simple things. It is in these everyday, small moments that we NEED to show appreciation. Whether it is laundry, dishes, cooking, or cleaning, a little appreciation goes a long way towards creating a strong marriage.
§ Appreciate your roles. Genuinely appreciate each other’s roles in the family (Is one of you working and the other SAH? Are you both working?). This can be hard in early parenthood but it is so important. Also, ask one another for each other’s advice. It builds mutual respect.
§ Lean on your village. Organise childcare and take time away from parenthood together, where you can appreciate one another. Like a small getaway just the two of you, once a year. But also take time away from parenthood separately, allowing you to practice some self-care, in which ever form you need it. For me, my form of self-care is exercise. It allows me to be a better version of myself - more energized for my children and partner – and it turn helps me appreciate and love myself more!
§ Create family traditions. Create bonding activities with shared meaning for your family, which become traditions, unique to your own family. And then appreciate, treasure and protect them.
Our marriages are often the easiest relationship to put on the back burner but the most important one not to. Prioritize your relationship with your partner when possible, and when it is not possible, work on the little everyday things you can do to show up for Communication, Affection, and Appreciation. Remember that speaking words of kindness is a healing and uplifting act of love. And above all, understand that marriages change as lives change. Be ready and willing to adapt.
